Random Musings

So we all have periods in our life when things get tough. I've always believed that these times are what make us. Well recently I was going through one of those chapters and out of it has grown a business plan. You see I met this very dominant chick who blew me away. And recently reconnected with her and her fiance. Well she runs a premium Snapchat service and asked if I'd play with her and her fiance and make some content for her. Me being the good little cum slut toy I am jumped at the chance. And yes we had an amazing time. And I've got some great vids and memories. Out of that I had lots of her subscribers wanting me to do a premium Snapchat account. And as I got towards the end of my time at my last job it became a running joke with a few people that if I didnt find another job soon I'd have to do one for the money. And yes at times it was a half serious thought. Fast forward to being out of work for a nearly 2 weeks and on a night partying with a fuck...

The time had been set, all details exchanged. She packed the car for the journey checking that she had everything she needed. Travelling for a playdate had its logistical issues. She had woken that morning, feeling like a champagne bottle about to pop. There had been weeks and weeks of texts and photos and videos. Many discussions around experience and expectations. Hard limits, soft limits. She was a bundle of nerves as she bathed and prepared for what she knew would be one of her greatest memories. She knew, there would never be another first time like this. This was going to be her first real scene play. Heading off on the highway she battled her mind in the car on her own. 3.5hours of major anticipation, knowing what lay ahead for her but not really comprehending it. By the time she arrived at the address she was really getting nervous and aching between her legs. She texted him, 13 minutes early. She hated being late. At the same time he texted her asking if she was going to b...

Let me tell you a story...once upon a time their dynamic was that of master and toy. Their sexual comparability and connection was more intense than she'd ever had before. From their very first hookup it was so easy for her to be honest about herself sexually. Quickly it became a fwb or fuckbuddies arrangement for them both to fully enjoy kinky downright awesome. sex. She would drip instantly when his name popped up on her phone and she throbbed when she would read a message that went something like this 'Hey toy, when can you get your ass here my cock needs to play with you' she loved it and would obediently arrange it around her unmovable commitments. Both of them desired and talked about finding another girl to join them, and also started talking about swinging too. Both excited and keen to thoroughly enjoy that. She began the process of searching high and low for what they had discussed wanting. She was so excited when she stumble across some great prospects. And ...

I know my worth.....I know I'm flawed, and little scratched and dented. But I know my worth. It's taken years and lots of self reflection to get to that point, but wow what a place to be. I'm a submissive who gives her submission easily (when someone gets into my head), some would say too easily, but I can do with my eyes wide open knowing what i bring to the table. Knowing how much of myself I can give to someone I'm playing with. Now I guess that's only partial submission or should I say temporary submission. Anyway, knowing my worth, owning and loving who I really am, flaws and all, that is total freedom. Freedom to grow, explore, learn and enjoy everything your mind and body desires. How will knowing my worth affect me, when that person who wants my total and permanent submission arrives in my life....well we have to wait see. But I'm excited about the possibilities.

Ponderings.... It's been a week since I had my first real scene and scenes. And I still have the bruises as well as the vivid memories. And that's where this writting is going. Mental and physical. I've come to the realization that I need the mental fuckery just as much as the physical. But does anyone else suffer from the same problem i have? It's always one sided. I cant seem to find the right balance of both at the same time. Either the mental fuckery has me totally on edge all the time dying for the physical realese, or I have the physical side of things galore and major lacking in the mental fuckery. My time of evaluation after last weekend and the emotional ride it has been, has me feeling more real and open and honest to myself, than I've ever felt before. The saying...Fuck me with your mind and your body' so exactly what I need.

I love people, I love attention, I love talking about myself and my journey....and I love meeting and talking to new people. Learning and growing all the more for being true and honest about myself. BUT......If you wanna judge me or think that, me being like that, means free reign on me you are way wrong. Yeh sometimes I get carried away 'showing off' this new mind and body, that doesnt mean I'm gonna do whatever you want, whenever you want. I'm not your sub. I'm learning the hard and fast lesson that not everyone is as real as they pretend to be. But I'm not gonna stop being me either. No apologies at all. I like who I am, and am becoming.

Was talking to someone today about them trying to recentre themselves (their words not mine) and it got me thinking about myself and when I feel most centered myself. And you know since allowing myself the courage to open up myself and and be real I  spend more time feeling content and centered than I dont. I put this down to the fact that even though I'm not where I want to be in life I am being the most authentic version of myself. That's when I feel the most at peace. When I can only be who I really am. I struggle to be that In my vanilla life. As someone who has such a heart for honesty and openness living in the vanilla world is like wearing a mask all day. Finding ways of being honest when asked certain things in conversations with vanilla friends is challanging. Theres only so much I can share with them but I never want to hide either. Ahhh the Joy's of the amazing worlds we live in.

Or maybe just the ramblings of a mind on a self discovering journey. I wrote my first 'journal entry' today...laying on the couch trying not to think about how much my body and mind hurt from the huge weekend she treated herself to. And when I did I was reminded that I used to journal and write poetry as a young innocent teenager and how it made me face the reality of the things I feel and think. Oh yeh...back to the epiphany. I realized that there is sapiosexual part of me. Intelligence actually has an affect on me sexually. Being able to draw my mind and intellect out and challange my thinking on things that should be challanged will have me wanting to deepthroat your cock for hours and begging you to use me.   

I sit perched on the leather couch, feeling comfortable and sexy in my new suspenders and bra. No underwear on. There's something different in the air tonight. I  notices sir check his watch, then his phone. A smile creeps across his face then he shot me that look. It made her instantly on edge and wet as hell. He doesnt say a word until he's standing infront of me. Out of his pocket comes the blindfold. He looks me in the eyes, grabs my by the throat and kisses me deep and hard and passionate. 'Ready my good little slut?' 'Yes sir' 'Oh but you are in for a surprise tonight, your going to show my friends how lucky I am' Everything goes black.... 'Dont you move' he whispers in my ear after placing the blindfold on me. My body is now on high alert, footsteps and the the unfamiliar smell hit her first, then the touch of his hand as it traces the inside of my thigh...then a voice brings me back. Theres another, he grabs me by the hair and shoves...

....or is it something else. This last week had been especially hard on me. Life and my choices had bitten me on the arse and definately not in the way I like it. Inside of this strong and independent women something was screaming at me. I was angry at myself and I wanted to be punished for it. This side of me making the choices that i know the consequences are going to hurt way more than thing being done, i needed to be punished and fucked into submission. And so when a planned play session got cancelled.. omfg this bratt I never knew was in me came out. And I didnt like it.

As someone who has newly unleashed her true submissive self and spent countless hours reading, researching and talking to people this huge thing I've learnt about myself.... Dont ask me what I want you to do to me...I dont want a choice. Dont ask me if would like to do this....take me by the hair and make me do it. If I offer myself to you...then dont ask me please.... 

It's a beautiful saturday morning and inside me is a fucking ugly mess. This last week as I've opened myself up to explore and learn more about myself I've let people down and dissapointed people. Not on purpose but when I look Internally I seem to shut off outside voices. And I have no way of explaining why or what is going on with me to I run away and hide within myself. I start to look at all the things that make my life difficult,  my ability to find time to give to people, and lack of my strength to be totally open to people about what's going on in my head. I start to believe that I'm not good or bad enough, that I'm too old, that I could never be sexy enough, or adventurous enough. That I will always let the people I care about down. And I can hear the people I'm getting to know and been chatting with say, wow you hold yourself with confidence and self awareness. Yeh I do...most of the time. And even when the doubts and self-hate raise their...

Theres no denying how my new submissive self has opened me up to a whole knew world. One that I find addicting and all consuming at times. I've heard it described as sub frenzy. Now to be honest as much as being isolated in a country town restricts my experiences and ability to fully explore, I am however grateful that it has helped me not to go into full sub frenzy. I know full well I would have if I'd had the means. There is so much that I'm yet to learn, but one thing I do know well is myself. I know most of my strengths and weakness of character. I know how my mind works, good and bad. I know how my body works along side my mind. But I am also aware that theres so much more for me to learn about me, my thoughts, my preconceived ideas, my desires. So to answer that all too common question...what am I looking for. Honesty Acceptance Understanding Integrity Loyalty Trust Strength Freedom Total submission And eventually Love.. im cautious with this o...