Far from perfect...



It's a beautiful saturday morning and inside me is a fucking ugly mess.

This last week as I've opened myself up to explore and learn more about myself I've let people down and dissapointed people.

Not on purpose but when I look Internally I seem to shut off outside voices. And I have no way of explaining why or what is going on with me to I run away and hide within myself.

I start to look at all the things that make my life difficult,  my ability to find time to give to people, and lack of my strength to be totally open to people about what's going on in my head. I start to believe that I'm not good or bad enough, that I'm too old, that I could never be sexy enough, or adventurous enough. That I will always let the people I care about down.

And I can hear the people I'm getting to know and been chatting with say, wow you hold yourself with confidence and self awareness. Yeh I do...most of the time. And even when the doubts and self-hate raise their heads I know that they are lies. That all my fears are based around my absolute desire to be the best version of myself, and the deep pain I feel at not being it.

Like most people who are honest enough to admit it i want to be liked, i want to be understood, I want to be accepted, for all of who I am. Even with the parts of me that are far from perfect.

Ahhh the continued battle of self discovery. 


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