Random Musings

When i enter the room, She is laying on her back totally naked...except for the blindfold covering her eyes. Her arms are tied to each of the bedposts. He's seduced her there before i arrive....she knows im joining but not when or how. Ive snuck in quietly into the motel room without my shoes and i remove the only item of clothing im wearing, dropping my dress as i walk toward the room. He briefly stops eating her delish looking pussy and looks at me and smiles beckoning me to join him with just a look. I move in gently beside him, and she jumps as i remark to him...'i need to taste that delish looking pussy' he stops and kisses me deeply and allows me to clean her cum from his mouth. She is writhing on the bed now and i gently kiss then bite her inner thigh as he watches me. And he hold her legs for me as i delve deep into her juicy pussy with my tounge and then my fingers till she squirts all over my face. He stops me now and kisses me and licking my face clean. ...

I am unbalanced I am lonely I am lost I feel a little crazy I feel like a caged animal I feel so alone Yet.... I am insatiable I am sexually driven I am open minded I need to be known I need to be understood I need to be wanted and desired But... I am real and authentic I am adaptable and reliable I am a person of integrity I thrive when challanged I thrive on praise and adoration I thrive when i can be me So... I am learning and growing I am willing to be a better person I am an open book I want joy and excitement I want to expirence everything I want to be totaly appreciated for who i am

Its Christmas day and ive had the most amazing day with 2 of my kids. A great night out with the oldest last night. And dinner with the daughter and bf tomorrow night..what a truly blessed and grateful mum i am. Im sitting outside relaxing and i realize that i have this deep ache and longing inside. And no im not talking about the constant one between my legs....im talking about a whole body and mind need..a longing to be... Owned but totally free Adored but degraded Cared for but punished and tested I need to be desired, needed, wanted mind and body I crave being the good little slave pleasing her master. I dream constantly of new expirences and repeating favorite one.....it consumes my mind and body But most of all i ache for the chemistry and connection i recently experienced....the mindblowing, from that very first moment he looked at me, i became a silly little girl...to the electrifying first brush of his kiss on my back....i was his.....all his. Ive never been so tota...

I dream of the day this reads 'i have'.... Until then the position is vacant I ne ed... To be desired, wanted and needed I want... To be on his mind every spare moment, to have him lost in thoughts and fantasies of all the things he wants to do to and with me I crave... The praise and rewards for being a good girl I need... to hear his thoughts and desires I want... To hear his troubles and worries I crave... his total dominence and care I need... The mind blowing chemistry and connection I want... To be owned, used and enjoyed, mind and body So now that i know....how the hell to i find it.

Id done my usual tease on snapchat, sent the vids that shock or inspire. And he was certainly keen to meet me. I had a feeling it would be fun but didnt think my subself would be satisfied, but as long as not vanilla i can have pure fun. Our first scheduled meet was cancelled due to family stuff.. .damn vanilla life. So when he messaged me and suggested a sunday afternoon of shower,food, sex repeat, actually i suggested that would be an awesome way to spend the afternoon, and he said he was on his way. It had been sometime since id had that. The random and spontaneous encounter. I had already shaved and prepared the evening before as we were going to meet then. So i dressed in my sexy cute little shorts and a very fitted singlet. I felt cute summer sexy, exactly what i thought would be perfect. He arrived and i greeted him outside, pussy pulsing as he was even sexier in person and the smile as he looked at me sent my body into overdrive. As my housemate was home i suggest we go t...

Its been over 9months since ive expirenced or written about sub frenzy. And omg am i suffering with it now. I guess its been 9months since the sub/slave in me was enticed, devoured and challanged. I only realized today...as my master ive pleased for the last week or so, left for a month or more, that i am in sub frenzy. Ive known about it, written about it and spoken to people about it, yet i didnt see what it was in myself. My mind will think of nothing else but how and when i get to be his slave again. Thankfully I have some options to satisfy some very real and intense needs...but im smart enough to know that the slave is going to be left wanting. That feeling of being left wanting although having cum lots and physicaly totally satisfiied, has plagued me over the last 9 months. Oh dont get me wrong ive had amazing sexual experiences, ive even had my all time top time with a chick and i was dominant. Ive met amazing people, been used well, cum lots, learnt to deepthroat, ...

Today i understand myself even better...but does it help me. Fuck no. Im toey, bratty even, and thats not who i am. I feel like ive begged him to use me once more before he leaves, no i have begged and been totally bratty about it, spent the last few days pouting that i cant have him amd his cock. I dont like this me. I desperately desire his demands and commands. But now i realize that the connection and chemistry he and i shared is exactly what i crave..i had it once before ( believe me when i say ive lost many many hours looking for it) i enjoyed 8months of regular playdates. Satisfying the absolute need to be 110% myself with ease and comfort. And when this one walked through my door for the most mind blowing amazing sunday i was like a junkie taking that first hit. I want more, more and much more. So now what...i know its possible to have and i want it so bad....i love being so tottaly free and uninhibited...the best version of myself as a whole person. I guess i have to l...

I had spent the afternoon with his wife. Awesome kinky girl sex. My girly side totally satisfied....but now I need good hard cock. Getting ready for him had me again fired up and horny as hell. Not sure how I had cum so much with his wife. I showered and dressed in my sexy little pink dress, stay up stockings, gorgeous silver heals, and no underwear. I was dripping as I did my makeup to look classy and sexy. My body throbbed as I received the message he was on his way to the front door. I was shaking And excited as I took the elevator downstairs to let him up to my room. I love the contrast between the classy look and the downright filthy kinky slut underneath. As I walked towards the the glass doors, i got to see his face as he saw me, and I almost came as I stood there. His first words were 'wow' and I was more than ready to have him all over me. It was impossible to keep our hands off each other in the elevator, his hands running down my back and over my practic...

My expirences one on one with girls has been very limited. In fact before yesterday on twice had I played with another woman without her partner with us. Last time I was in town I'd had the privilege of a playdate with her hubby, she had been unavailable. And wow what fun we'd had. My lead up to a playdate usually consisted of lots of pic sharing, filthy dirty flirting and learning the things I need to know to be a good little toy. This time and with her we really hadn't had much if that at all, so when she messaged me she was on her way up the nerves went into overdrive. I was throbbing, wet and felt so unprepared. Getting ready for her arrival I had asked her hubby what he thought she'd like me to be wearing, I fucking love to please. We had chosen a black corset with black stockings attached to the suspenders. I put on my little black zip up dress. My slutty sexy look. My favorite, and what is like to find waiting for me. Damn, I placed my hand up my dress ...

It was going to be her first time with a girl. Is was my first time attempting to switch. The lead up had been amazing. I had gotten myself and her off on teasing her and telling her what we were going to do with her. Finally the night had arrived. I stand in the apartment dressed in my lingerie and little skirt. I have my 6inch stilettos so she can hear my footsteps when she's brought in blindfolded, by her dom, in a few moments. I've sprayed my favorite perfume, got music playing, and fuck am i nervous as hell. The door opens, and he leads her in. I force myself to walk briskly over to her, my heals clicking loudly on the floor. I reach up and kiss her passionately. Her breath catches and I throb as I place the collar around her neck. Her legs almost give way and her dom has to hold her up, as we both undress her and take in every inch of her amazing body with our eyes, hands and mouths. Her body responded, her legs buckled and the groans of pleasure as we took a nipp...

I am strong but I am soft. I am a survivor but no victim I am real but no better or worse than the next person.  My journey has made to realize many things about life, people, and myself. Here's 3 things on my mind at the moment. First thing is that no matter who, or how, someone does wrong by me, I will not stop being the caring open honest person I am. Second I am worthy of common respect, and I no longer allow myself to be treated with anything less that respect. Humiliate me, degrade me, use me as your fucktoy, but show me decent everyday respect. Thirdly some people are just assholes. It doesn't matter what you do or say...they are just assholes. I aim to leave every person I meet better than when I found them. I don't always succeed. But it's my aim. And it's a aim that I carry in both my vanilla life, and also my kinky life. 

Having only discovered my naturally submissive self recently, i totally believed i was 100% submissive. It is my comfy place, giving over total control is easy for me, it drives me wild, it gets me off to be a good girl, cumslut, and fuck toy. I recognize that the sub in me has always been there. I can look back and see it so clearly and I regret not letting her out when I was younger. So If you have asked me 2 weeks ago, whether there was any part of me that could be dominant you would have heard a "fuck no" out of my mouth with 100% truth and openness. Ask me today and I say "mind blowingly yes" there's a little in there. I started this year out with the goal of being my most authentic self. In some areas I've failed and in others I've exceeded my own expectations of myself. So when I was asked if i could find some dom in me, to give a very sexy sub, her first girl experience...I had to dig deep and challenge myself to find it. Because to have aut...

So we all have periods in our life when things get tough. I've always believed that these times are what make us. Well recently I was going through one of those chapters and out of it has grown a business plan. You see I met this very dominant chick who blew me away. And recently reconnected with her and her fiance. Well she runs a premium Snapchat service and asked if I'd play with her and her fiance and make some content for her. Me being the good little cum slut toy I am jumped at the chance. And yes we had an amazing time. And I've got some great vids and memories. Out of that I had lots of her subscribers wanting me to do a premium Snapchat account. And as I got towards the end of my time at my last job it became a running joke with a few people that if I didnt find another job soon I'd have to do one for the money. And yes at times it was a half serious thought. Fast forward to being out of work for a nearly 2 weeks and on a night partying with a fuck...

The time had been set, all details exchanged. She packed the car for the journey checking that she had everything she needed. Travelling for a playdate had its logistical issues. She had woken that morning, feeling like a champagne bottle about to pop. There had been weeks and weeks of texts and photos and videos. Many discussions around experience and expectations. Hard limits, soft limits. She was a bundle of nerves as she bathed and prepared for what she knew would be one of her greatest memories. She knew, there would never be another first time like this. This was going to be her first real scene play. Heading off on the highway she battled her mind in the car on her own. 3.5hours of major anticipation, knowing what lay ahead for her but not really comprehending it. By the time she arrived at the address she was really getting nervous and aching between her legs. She texted him, 13 minutes early. She hated being late. At the same time he texted her asking if she was going to b...

Let me tell you a story...once upon a time their dynamic was that of master and toy. Their sexual comparability and connection was more intense than she'd ever had before. From their very first hookup it was so easy for her to be honest about herself sexually. Quickly it became a fwb or fuckbuddies arrangement for them both to fully enjoy kinky downright awesome. sex. She would drip instantly when his name popped up on her phone and she throbbed when she would read a message that went something like this 'Hey toy, when can you get your ass here my cock needs to play with you' she loved it and would obediently arrange it around her unmovable commitments. Both of them desired and talked about finding another girl to join them, and also started talking about swinging too. Both excited and keen to thoroughly enjoy that. She began the process of searching high and low for what they had discussed wanting. She was so excited when she stumble across some great prospects. And ...

I know my worth.....I know I'm flawed, and little scratched and dented. But I know my worth. It's taken years and lots of self reflection to get to that point, but wow what a place to be. I'm a submissive who gives her submission easily (when someone gets into my head), some would say too easily, but I can do with my eyes wide open knowing what i bring to the table. Knowing how much of myself I can give to someone I'm playing with. Now I guess that's only partial submission or should I say temporary submission. Anyway, knowing my worth, owning and loving who I really am, flaws and all, that is total freedom. Freedom to grow, explore, learn and enjoy everything your mind and body desires. How will knowing my worth affect me, when that person who wants my total and permanent submission arrives in my life....well we have to wait see. But I'm excited about the possibilities.

Ponderings.... It's been a week since I had my first real scene and scenes. And I still have the bruises as well as the vivid memories. And that's where this writting is going. Mental and physical. I've come to the realization that I need the mental fuckery just as much as the physical. But does anyone else suffer from the same problem i have? It's always one sided. I cant seem to find the right balance of both at the same time. Either the mental fuckery has me totally on edge all the time dying for the physical realese, or I have the physical side of things galore and major lacking in the mental fuckery. My time of evaluation after last weekend and the emotional ride it has been, has me feeling more real and open and honest to myself, than I've ever felt before. The saying...Fuck me with your mind and your body' so exactly what I need.

I love people, I love attention, I love talking about myself and my journey....and I love meeting and talking to new people. Learning and growing all the more for being true and honest about myself. BUT......If you wanna judge me or think that, me being like that, means free reign on me you are way wrong. Yeh sometimes I get carried away 'showing off' this new mind and body, that doesnt mean I'm gonna do whatever you want, whenever you want. I'm not your sub. I'm learning the hard and fast lesson that not everyone is as real as they pretend to be. But I'm not gonna stop being me either. No apologies at all. I like who I am, and am becoming.

Was talking to someone today about them trying to recentre themselves (their words not mine) and it got me thinking about myself and when I feel most centered myself. And you know since allowing myself the courage to open up myself and and be real I  spend more time feeling content and centered than I dont. I put this down to the fact that even though I'm not where I want to be in life I am being the most authentic version of myself. That's when I feel the most at peace. When I can only be who I really am. I struggle to be that In my vanilla life. As someone who has such a heart for honesty and openness living in the vanilla world is like wearing a mask all day. Finding ways of being honest when asked certain things in conversations with vanilla friends is challanging. Theres only so much I can share with them but I never want to hide either. Ahhh the Joy's of the amazing worlds we live in.

Or maybe just the ramblings of a mind on a self discovering journey. I wrote my first 'journal entry' today...laying on the couch trying not to think about how much my body and mind hurt from the huge weekend she treated herself to. And when I did I was reminded that I used to journal and write poetry as a young innocent teenager and how it made me face the reality of the things I feel and think. Oh yeh...back to the epiphany. I realized that there is sapiosexual part of me. Intelligence actually has an affect on me sexually. Being able to draw my mind and intellect out and challange my thinking on things that should be challanged will have me wanting to deepthroat your cock for hours and begging you to use me.   

I sit perched on the leather couch, feeling comfortable and sexy in my new suspenders and bra. No underwear on. There's something different in the air tonight. I  notices sir check his watch, then his phone. A smile creeps across his face then he shot me that look. It made her instantly on edge and wet as hell. He doesnt say a word until he's standing infront of me. Out of his pocket comes the blindfold. He looks me in the eyes, grabs my by the throat and kisses me deep and hard and passionate. 'Ready my good little slut?' 'Yes sir' 'Oh but you are in for a surprise tonight, your going to show my friends how lucky I am' Everything goes black.... 'Dont you move' he whispers in my ear after placing the blindfold on me. My body is now on high alert, footsteps and the the unfamiliar smell hit her first, then the touch of his hand as it traces the inside of my thigh...then a voice brings me back. Theres another, he grabs me by the hair and shoves...

....or is it something else. This last week had been especially hard on me. Life and my choices had bitten me on the arse and definately not in the way I like it. Inside of this strong and independent women something was screaming at me. I was angry at myself and I wanted to be punished for it. This side of me making the choices that i know the consequences are going to hurt way more than thing being done, i needed to be punished and fucked into submission. And so when a planned play session got cancelled.. omfg this bratt I never knew was in me came out. And I didnt like it.

As someone who has newly unleashed her true submissive self and spent countless hours reading, researching and talking to people this huge thing I've learnt about myself.... Dont ask me what I want you to do to me...I dont want a choice. Dont ask me if would like to do this....take me by the hair and make me do it. If I offer myself to you...then dont ask me please.... 

It's a beautiful saturday morning and inside me is a fucking ugly mess. This last week as I've opened myself up to explore and learn more about myself I've let people down and dissapointed people. Not on purpose but when I look Internally I seem to shut off outside voices. And I have no way of explaining why or what is going on with me to I run away and hide within myself. I start to look at all the things that make my life difficult,  my ability to find time to give to people, and lack of my strength to be totally open to people about what's going on in my head. I start to believe that I'm not good or bad enough, that I'm too old, that I could never be sexy enough, or adventurous enough. That I will always let the people I care about down. And I can hear the people I'm getting to know and been chatting with say, wow you hold yourself with confidence and self awareness. Yeh I do...most of the time. And even when the doubts and self-hate raise their...

Theres no denying how my new submissive self has opened me up to a whole knew world. One that I find addicting and all consuming at times. I've heard it described as sub frenzy. Now to be honest as much as being isolated in a country town restricts my experiences and ability to fully explore, I am however grateful that it has helped me not to go into full sub frenzy. I know full well I would have if I'd had the means. There is so much that I'm yet to learn, but one thing I do know well is myself. I know most of my strengths and weakness of character. I know how my mind works, good and bad. I know how my body works along side my mind. But I am also aware that theres so much more for me to learn about me, my thoughts, my preconceived ideas, my desires. So to answer that all too common question...what am I looking for. Honesty Acceptance Understanding Integrity Loyalty Trust Strength Freedom Total submission And eventually Love.. im cautious with this o...